DEEP THOUGHTS HAS MOVED!!!!

DTFASM would like to announce that it has pulled up stakes and moved to a new home! Thanks to all of you who visit the site regularly, your appreciation and support for our art is greatly appreciated.

Please continue to check us out at our new spot, http://dtfasm.com. All posts have been transferred, and as of now all future posts will be put up at the new site.

Please bookmark http://dtfasm.com, and we look forward to seeing you there!

Thanks again,
-DTFASM

Nike goes low-carb

PORTLAND, OR: Celebrities and professional athletes from all across the country flocked to Nike's headquarters in Portland last night for the unveiling of the world's first footwear line designed specifically for athletes on a low carb diet.

Mark Parker, Nike CEO and President, sat with DTFASM after the ceremony. He explained, "Our customers are athletes, concerned with the overall condition and health of their bodies. They turn to Nike because they know we have a strong tradition of innovative products that shun pointless marketing schemes. To that end we've released a shoe with absolutely no carbohydrates, fat or cholesterol."

The fitness giant touts that the shoe is also certified 100% Organic and Vegan, two more firsts in the athletic footwear world.

Parker reaffirmed his company's progressive nature. “We're currently evaluating a number of other ideas that will keep Nike ahead of the curve. For example, we're considering a Nutritional Information panel on all new products, to clarify the rather confusing world of health footwear. We're also developing a line of low-fat workout jerseys.”

Cake reviews Flobots’ Handlebars song

“Hello and welcome back! I’m your charming host Greg Stevens, and this is MusicWatch, your source for up-to-the-minute reviews on the day’s top Rock music. The band? The Flobots. The song? Handlebars. In the studio with me today is the legendary band Cake, who some of you may remember had a hit about a Nascar race or something a few years ago. How are you today, Cake?”

Cake: “Actually we’ve had a number of successful singles over the years, Greg.”

Stevens: “Isn’t that fun. Now, what are your thoughts on the song we’re reviewing today?”

Cake: “Well, Greg, we noticed something. The whole sound is so… familiar, don’t you think? Almost like something we’ve written and recorded.”

Stevens: “It does sound like something I remember hearing a few years ago, but I’m afraid I can’t place it. Did you like the song?”

Cake: “Greg, IT SOUNDS EXACTLY LIKE OUR MUSIC. Do you even know who you’re going to have on the show before they show up?”

Stevens: “Believe it or not, I do. Please join me in welcoming… The Flobots!”

{Studio music plays, additional voices in background}

Stevens: “Just plug the mike in there… Okay. Welcome to the show!”

Flobots: “Thanks for having us today Greg, it’s great to be here. And Cake! It’s an honor, guys.”

Cake: “…”

Stevens: “Cake? Don’t you want to say hi to the nice band?”

Cake: “…”

Flobots: “It’s okay, Greg. They, uh… They think we stole their sound.”

Stevens: “THAT’S what it is! Cake, you do sound a lot like the Flobots, don’t you?”

Cake: “NO! THEY sound like US, and no one seems to be concerned about that!”

Stevens: “I’m not sure I follow.”

Cake: (sighs) “Greg, have you listened to the song? The singer kind of raps instead of singing, the drums sound just like us, they even have a trumpet player! At least we have one thing going for us. Their lyrics are just plain stupid.”

Flobots: “Stupid?!”

Cake: “Yes, stupid. First, you really only need to say things once. Second, why do we care if you need a metronome if you’re going to hit me with a missile by using a satellite?”

Flobots: “Four words. Short. Skirt. Long. Jacket.”

Stevens: “Okay, kids. Can’t we agree that you each have different tastes in music, and just leave it at that?” (sotto voce) “…and somehow produce identical music…”

Flobots: “What was that?”

Stevens: “Hmm?”

Cake: “Don’t make me go Streetfighter on you.”

Flobots: “What are you gonna do? You gonna go the distance? Striving and driving and all that?”

Cake: “It’s on. Oh sorry, I mean “we’ll beat you down because it’s on right now, it’s on right now, it’s on right now. I know it’s hard for you unless you hear something three times.”

Flobots: “Oh, that’s it.”

{Sounds of commotion, studio music fades in}

Stevens: “Well, um… thanks for listening!”

{Fade out}

Stevens: “Rob! Are you still here? I can’t believe I haven’t fired you yet, some of the guests you’ve picked out…”

Starbucks looks to be new frontrunner for Democratic Nominee

SEATTLE, WA: Marking the first time a corporation has entered the race for highest political office in the US, Starbucks is showing strong signs that it will be the next Democratic nominee for President.

The move met quick opposition from all opponents in the race.

In a rare display of teamwork and solidarity from opposing candidates, a joint statement was released by Sens. Clinton and Obama. “We fully support Starbucks and the freedom for a business to operate as they see fit, but this is not a question of business. We are fighting for our ideas on how to get this country’s finances back on track and address foreign policy issues.

Howard Schultz, Starbucks Chairman of the Board of Directors, was quick to rebut the statement.

“Starbucks is the only real choice in this race. If we just take a moment to look at the facts, the reasons will become clear. Foreign relations, finance, healthcare, the list goes on. Oh, and we’ve never been pinned down by fictitious sniper fire or had to cover for a racist preacher.”

Taken from the campaign’s website:

Foreign Relations: “We have offices and growing operations in 44 countries around the globe.”

Finances: “Starbucks started as a small coffeehouse in Seattle in 1971. We have grown into a multibillion dollar industry in a short 37 years. Can any of these candidates, or any in the past 37 years make such a claim about US finances? We think not.”

Fictitious Sniper Fire: “None”

Schultz summarizes, “No one trusts or particularly likes these candidates, they just dislike them less than the rest. People like Starbucks. Think about it. These other candidtates? They get in your face and tell you how great they are, but people go out of their way to hang out with us.”

When asked for his thoughts on the move, Microsoft frontman Bill Gates was heard commenting, “…wish I’d thought of that.”

Street Signs Unionize

LOS ANGELES, CA: L1-3048, a freeway offramp sign in Lynnwood, CA, acting as head of the newly formed union filed the proper papers at the City Clerk’s office today legitimizing the organization.

When asked about the reasons for creating such a union, L1-3048 explained. “Most people aren’t aware of it, but there is a chasm between the traditional street signs, wood and metal beacons of directional clarity and the newcomers, those blinking, epilepsy-inducing electronic monstrosities you know as ‘traffic signals’.”

This animosity is nothing new, but only recently has it reached the boiling point. Specifically the move to unionize came in response to the recent trend towards ‘intelligent’ signs, such as speed limit signs that display your current speed and compare it to the posted maximum. Static street signs have conceded that intersection stop/go signals may best be served by their electronic counterparts, but in recent years the electronic newcomers have started to stretch the already tenuous boundary between the two.

Speed limit signs were the first whose ‘upgrades’ were widely accepted, but L1-3048 knew it was time to take action when large freeway signs began estimating travel time to known landmarks based on traffic conditions.

L1-3048 summarizes, “For centuries Street Signs were the only game in town, but with the ever-expanding complexity and apparent ‘intelligence’ of these new signals, the time has come for us to take action to ensure our survival.”